Wednesday, 10 January 2018

On Unambitiousness
Firstly, this post has a lot to do with meanings typically assigned to the words mentioned here. As an example, 'love' has many meanings but often when we talk of it (unfortunately) we seem to be only speaking of romantic love.
Aise hee, ambition for me has had many meanings over a period of time. In school it meant getting good marks (or at least trying to) and to get into a good college. During graduation the purpose was to learn lots of things but this got turned into 'ambition', I guess, when there was a desire to get awards of certificates for things. I don't know when, but 'ambition' in terms of work was this desire to be extremely passionate about work ("find what you love and let it kill you"), to work day and night, and to be recognized for the efforts I'll be making.
In these terms and according to these definitions, I am not an ambitious person. I do not see myself as a leader or as someone who is at the forefront of things. That is a pressure not for me. In some ways, I guess, I am a good follower - not a close-eyed one, but there are so many amazing people doing so many amazing things and I'd rather be behind and support them. And it took me so much effort to come to terms with this - because for some all of us are supposed to be the forefront waale leaders, no? Ye kaun sikhaya tha, I wonder.
I want my peace. I want to go home on time and not think about accomplishing so and so in life. My joys, and things that matter to me now are to be able to go home and sit with Pablo, to be able to spend an entire morning basking in the sun while reading a book and singing songs, to be interested in my work but not be forever occupied by it, and to have empty moments. I no longer wish to change the world in a loud fashion, and I no longer want recognition.

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