Falling in love with someone who is not thinking of you
Develop a new hate for technology, a pleasurable bitterness
because you want to but don’t want to know when he last came online
if he’s seen your messages, and how long ago
You wish there was no way of knowing, maybe it would make this easier;
Sit with your friends and pretend to care, but let your eye-balls roll
every second towards the door, keep checking if it’s him;
wander into conversations that have his name, or his best friend’s name,
or his dog’s name, anything that would give a clue
about whether he’s been thinking of you;
listen intently, check if he is fine, is he calm? relaxed?
Or does he have the look of a butcher who just killed for the first time?
Take in the bitter taste of thoughts that tell you,
No, he’s not thinking of you at all; question his heartlessness
How he continues to walk straight, doesn’t even smile too much for you
to think that maybe he’s hiding the hurt; give yourself reasons,
Fill his silence with excuses, his quiet with your thoughts,
His lies with your lies; and before going to sleep each night
Fill in the void of his presence, with the paintings of what could have happened
Weaving tales of what could have been
Had he texted you at his ‘last seen’.